... :)

Alone in my room..standing near the window..dim lights..i can see a silent lane..its making me sad..i draw the curtains...sitting on my bed..a book shelf in front of me..door of the room shut...blanket pulled upto my chest..i stare at the shelf..thinking of what to think..i feel the need to feel happy...blissfully happy. Its been a long time since I felt that way. Think think think think…

Whose memories make me really happy? Friends? My heart sinks, my eyes tear up..m starting to think of person i feel i was closest to and can feel his absence...i imagine..wht he must be doin..i guess in office...i imagine him working..i smile.. i remeber his smile...it makes me smile :) i smile. My other friend in mumbai..i frown. She must be busy studying, becoming a doctor. I scrunch up my nose, contemplate giving her a call. I check the balance in my cell- Rs 18.34. I frown. Rs 2 per minute, 9 minutes of talking, 1 month of catching up to do. I flare my nostrils n disgust…no possibility of a call to mumbai.fine then, back to the shelf. Think think think think...

i feel the need to feel happy and its growing stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger. Mum enters the room without knocking, switches the light on, sees my tear streaked face...she backs out of the room. Overwhelming embarrassment. Im sure I shall be bombarded with questions, when I finally come out of my room. Back to the shelf. Think think think think.

I think of my childhood. It reminds me of mini, my friend who passed away. I stop thinking of my childhood. I feel the need to feel happy grow stronger. I know my mind is wandering towards where I don’t want it to go. I think of my school years...i think of my first crush..he was cute..i smile.. my mind goes 2 years back..n thinking of someone now...why? tears roll down..Suddenly, its almost as if I can see my self from afar, sitting on the bed in the dark. I think of him. I think…I know…I’m sure, I wouldn’t have sat like this ALONE, while there was a ‘he’, while there was an ‘us’. I remember I felt immensely happy, like a bubble of happiness burst somewhere deep in my heart, when he told me he loved me. That is what I want. Still.. cold..silent.. i miss him! i dont knw where he is today..the thought hurts me..i feel a physical pain inside me..i think if he thinks of me ? the pain in the heart continues..He was the one i loved..i smile.... :)